trimacar Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 All right, so we need to tell our jokes about old cars. I have a few, and a couple of risqué ones that may or may not make the cut on this forum, so let's get started! A friend of mine used to sleep in his garage every night under his British car. I asked him once why he did this. He said he liked to get up oily in the morning....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bleach Posted October 22, 2016 Share Posted October 22, 2016 (edited) Not many people know that Land Rovers attempted to market a computer. Why did they stop? They could not find a way to get it to leak oil! A Land Rover doesn´t leak oil, it marks it´s territory. Did you hear about the man whose Land Rover didn't leak oil? The factory took it back and worked on it until it did. Did you hear the one about the guy that peeked into a Land Rover and asked the owner "How can you tell one switch from another at night? They all look the same. " - "He replied, "It does not matter which one you use, nothing happens !" The Lucas motto: "Get home before dark." Lucas is the patent holder for the short circuit. Lucas - Inventor of the first intermittent wiper. Lucas - Inventor of the self-dimming headlamp. The three position Lucas switch - Dim, Flicker and Off. The Original Anti-Theft Device - Lucas Electrics. Lucas is an acronym for Loose Unsoldered Connections and Splices Lucas systems actually uses AC current; it just has a random frequency. "I have had a Lucas pacemaker for years and have never had any trou..." If Lucas made guns, wars would not start. A friend of mine told everybody he never had any electric problems with his Lucas equipment. Today he lives in the countryside, in a large manor with lots of friendly servants around him an an occasional ice cold shower... Back in the 70's, Lucas decided to diversify its product line and began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product they offered which did not suck. Q: Why do the British drink warm beer? A: Because Lucas makes their refrigerators Alexander Graham Bell invented the Telephone.Thomas Edison invented the Light Bulb. Joseph Lucas invented the Short Circuit. Edited October 22, 2016 by Bleach (see edit history) 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xander Wildeisen Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 2 hours ago, trimacar said: All right, so we need to tell our jokes about old cars. I have a few, and a couple of risqué ones that may or may not make the cut on this forum, so let's get started! A friend of mine used to sleep in his garage every night under his British car. I asked him once why he did this. He said he liked to get up oily in the morning....... Jaguar, every good cat leaves it mark Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plyroadking Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 "Sir, your car is smoking!" It's ok, it's old enough to. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
keiser31 Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 "Lucas, prince of darkness". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zipdang Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 F.I.A.T. = Finally, I'm almost there. Why do Fiats have rear window defoggers? Keeps your hands warm when pushing. And yes, I own three Fiats! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rusty_OToole Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 Used car salesman: This car is solid as a bank vault. Customer: Yeah the Ford knocks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rusty_OToole Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 (edited) From Captain Billy's Whiz Bang April 1921 The midget is a little man You see him everywhere But find too late He will not wait To fill your tire with air. Edited October 23, 2016 by Rusty_OToole (see edit history) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John_S_in_Penna Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 A man went into an auto parts store. "I'd like some floor mats for my Yugo." "Okay, that sounds like a fair trade!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave Mellor NJ Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 2 hours ago, zipdang said: F.I.A.T. = Finally, I'm almost there. Why do Fiats have rear window defoggers? Keeps your hands warm when pushing. And yes, I own three Fiats! I was always told it stood for"Fix it again, Tony". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JamesBulldogMiller55Buick Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 4 hours ago, Plyroadking said: "Sir, your car is smoking!" It's ok, it's old enough to. I've actually said that to people Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JamesBulldogMiller55Buick Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 Buick, it's the last car you buy before you die Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wayne sheldon Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 I always thought it was model T Fords that marked their territory! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trimacar Posted October 23, 2016 Author Share Posted October 23, 2016 Great! Keep 'em coming.... A snail went into a Nissan dealership, bought a Z car, but wanted all the Z's changed to S's, so everyone would say ":Wow, look at that S car go!" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ozstatman Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 7 hours ago, Dave Mellor NJ said: I was always told it stood for"Fix it again, Tony". Or for Ford "Fix or repair daily" While Lotus " Lots of trouble usually serious " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dei Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 FARGO: Forward And Reverse Gears Optional Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
padgett Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 Always heard it as "First On Race Day" but then along came truth in advertising (have never owned a F*rd). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarNucopia Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 87% of all Fiats built are still on the road..... ...... the rest made it home. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarNucopia Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 You can tell a car owner by their shoes: F150 owner wears cowboy boots Ferrari owner wears fancy loafers Jeep owner wears hiking boots MG owner wears comfortable walking shoes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RansomEli Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 Buick64C, That was great. As a former owner of two Fiats, I laughed out loud. Best slogan so far. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt Harwood Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 19 minutes ago, Buick64C said: 87% of all Fiats built are still on the road..... ...... the rest made it home. This one actually made me laugh out loud. Nice! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xander Wildeisen Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 I will go out on a limb and say there is very little love for Lucas wiring. Having wired a Jaguar, and done electrical work for years. There are some different things done in the wiring for cars across the pond. Great cars, but I doubt you will ever hear a custom car builder say. "We used a big block Chevrolet, a ford rear end, Auburn gauge cluster and a Lucas wiring harness" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ozstatman Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 (edited) My daughter once announced, after she opened the boot(trunk) of the car, "Did you know there's a wheel in the boot?" Edited October 23, 2016 by Ozstatman Spelling correction (see edit history) 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Grumpy's Auto Shop Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 I'm not recalling any jokes per se at the moment, so here's a car-toon: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest shinyhubcap Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 this is BOTH a joke and the truth - here in the United States, we classify small bulbs under their MAZDA size - Mazda is the greek god of light. So it follows that LUCAS is the British god of darkness..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFranklin Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 Here is a post card joke. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zipdang Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 6 hours ago, Buick64C said: 87% of all Fiats built are still on the road..... ...... the rest made it home. I'll have to put that one in my repertoire. (and promptly forget it!) 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Restorer32 Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 When I was a kid we delighted in telling each other we were going to the gas station to pump Ethyl. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarNucopia Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 (edited) What do you call a Jaguar that doesn't leak oil? Empty Edited October 23, 2016 by Buick64C Typo (see edit history) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jim Bollman Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 Crosleytoon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
38Buick 80C Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 An old lady goes to the eye doctor. After a her eye exam the doctor tells her " I am sorry to inform you but you have cataracts." She says "No, I drive a Buick." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
38Buick 80C Posted October 23, 2016 Share Posted October 23, 2016 18 hours ago, Dave Mellor NJ said: I was always told it stood for"Fix it again, Tony". Yeah on of my faves along with Failure in Automotive Technolgy Feable Italian Attempt at Transportation Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John_S_in_Penna Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 Not long ago, the sheriff pulled up next to me as I was unloading garbage from my pick-up truck into the ditch. He asked sternly, "What do you think you're doing? Don't you see the sign right over your head?" "Sure officer," I admitted candidly. "That's why I'm dumping it here. The sign says, 'Fine for Dumping Garbage!' " Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nick8086 Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 (edited) Policeman: How can you drive so recklessly? Driver: I have to, this is a getaway car. Policeman: Why did your car just spin around in circles? Motorist: I was making a U-turn and changed my mind. Question: What do you call someone who draws funny pictures of motor vehicles? Answer: A car-toonist! Edited October 24, 2016 by nick8086 (see edit history) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
john2dameron Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 Back in the late 1940's I read this one and never forgot it. "What time is it when see a Model T Ford following another one down the road? Tin after tin." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trimacar Posted October 24, 2016 Author Share Posted October 24, 2016 Two lawyers were arguing a case, back in the good old days. When the decision went against him, the losing lawyer turned to the winning lawyer and angrily asked " Where's your ethics?" ... "Parked right next to your Hudthon", was the reply... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R Walling Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 Q: What goes on pages 4-5 of the Ugo's user's manual? A: The train & bus schedule 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Grumpy's Auto Shop Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 Can HearEveryValveRattleOnLongExtendedTrips Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Friartuck Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 (edited) Edited October 24, 2016 by Friartuck (see edit history) 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nzcarnerd Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 A true story rather than a joke. An American acquaintance of mine moved to NZ in the early 1970s after military service and brought his 1970 Chevrolet C20 with him, It had a camper which mounted on the pickup bed and auxiliary long range gas tanks under the bed. He told a story of filling up all of the tanks at a gas station one day, without the camper on board, before going on a trip. The fill took quite some time, and after a while the attendant wandered over and casually looked into the bed - maybe wondering if he was just putting it in the back(?). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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