auburnseeker Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 Not car related but a follow up to NZCARNERD's story. One of my first jobs I worked at was a marina pumping gas. I was told by the owner to be careful when filling the boats with gas (it was full service) because the last attendant had put 50 gallons of gas in the bilge before he realized that he was putting it in the fishing pole holder. It was a small marina and I believe it was one of the first boats in the area to have built in fish pole holders. Ok back to the car jokes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 OK, this might be a bit of a stretch, but it is car related and if you've already heard it, don't interrupt me 'cause I still enjoy a good joke This hot blond is speeding down the highway in her Corvette roadster when she gets pulled over by a female state trooper. The trooper asks for her license but the blond, while digging through her purse, says she can't remember what it looks like. The trooper says "Well it's a little square thing with your picture on it". The blond finds her compact, opens it and sees herself in the mirror. She says "Oh, here it is" and hands it to the trooper. The trooper looks in the mirror and says "Gee, if I'd known you were a cop too, I wouldn't have pulled you over". (my wife hates this joke!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Grumpy's Auto Shop Posted October 24, 2016 Share Posted October 24, 2016 Another car-toon: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nzcarnerd Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 On the subject of motoring jokes I suggest a Google image search of Russell Brockbank cartoons to keep you busy for a few hours. Also this lot - http://jimbamber.tumblr.com/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1935Packard Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 It's easy to make a small fortune in the classic car hobby. Just start with a large fortune. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nick8086 Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 (edited) From a newsletter.. Edited October 25, 2016 by nick8086 (see edit history) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wayne sheldon Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 (edited) nick8086, (I am almost rolling on the floor laughing!) I wonder how many people won't get that one? Way back when, in the days that I thought I might have a good future, and wanted lots of fantastic cars. I actually almost bought one of those. I actually to this day think of it often and it is probably the ONLY post WWII car I ever regretted not buying. Well, I better go back out and work on my model T. (I will let someone else tell the "in" of the joke! Edited October 25, 2016 by wayne sheldon Simple spelling error, submitted too quick. (see edit history) 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nick8086 Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 1 hour ago, wayne sheldon said: nick8086, (I am almost rolling on the floor laughing!) I wonder how many people won't get that one? Way back when, in the days that I thought I might have a good future, and wanted lots of fantastic cars. I actually almost bought one of those. I actually to this day think of it often and it is probably the ONLY post WWII car I ever regretted not buying. Well, I better go back out and work on my model T. (I will let someone else tell the "in" of the joke! No one will get it.. I have 3 more in that newsletter to post.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Aust42President Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 On 23/10/2016 at 10:38 AM, Bleach said: Not many people know that Land Rovers attempted to market a computer. Why did they stop? They could not find a way to get it to leak oil! A Land Rover doesn´t leak oil, it marks it´s territory. Did you hear about the man whose Land Rover didn't leak oil? The factory took it back and worked on it until it did. Did you hear the one about the guy that peeked into a Land Rover and asked the owner "How can you tell one switch from another at night? They all look the same. " - "He replied, "It does not matter which one you use, nothing happens !" The Lucas motto: "Get home before dark." Lucas is the patent holder for the short circuit. Lucas - Inventor of the first intermittent wiper. Lucas - Inventor of the self-dimming headlamp. The three position Lucas switch - Dim, Flicker and Off. The Original Anti-Theft Device - Lucas Electrics. Lucas is an acronym for Loose Unsoldered Connections and Splices Lucas systems actually uses AC current; it just has a random frequency. "I have had a Lucas pacemaker for years and have never had any trou..." If Lucas made guns, wars would not start. A friend of mine told everybody he never had any electric problems with his Lucas equipment. Today he lives in the countryside, in a large manor with lots of friendly servants around him an an occasional ice cold shower... Back in the 70's, Lucas decided to diversify its product line and began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product they offered which did not suck. Q: Why do the British drink warm beer? A: Because Lucas makes their refrigerators Alexander Graham Bell invented the Telephone.Thomas Edison invented the Light Bulb. Joseph Lucas invented the Short Circuit. And to sum : "Lucas Electrics" - How to kill the British Auto Industry....... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nick8086 Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 (edited) That stuff is not online... Edited October 26, 2016 by nick8086 (see edit history) 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DavidAU Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 Anyone you know? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Grumpy's Auto Shop Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 Quote A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand-new Ferrari 550. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man (about 75 years old) on a moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny new car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly. The old man asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the owner. So the old guy pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his moped, he says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!" Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rearview mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly, WHHHOOOOSSSHHH! something whips by him, going much faster. What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?! the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped. Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. WHHOOOOSSSHH! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not 10 seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do. Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear. The young man jumps out; unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh, my God! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers softly, "Unhook... my... suspenders... from... your... side-view... mirror." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MochetVelo Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 Well, it involves a car: When the Pope came to NYC a few months ago, he was picked up at JFK by a big, shiny Cadillac limo. "What a big luxurious car!" exclaimed the Pope "I'll bet it's very powerful, too!" "Oh, yes, Your Holiness!" said the driver. "You know, when I became Pope, we sold all of the fancy cars the Vatican had, and I now only have a simple Fiat and I don't even get to drive THAT anymore!" says The Pope "How about letting me drive this for a bit?" ""Oh no, Your Holiness! I'd get in BIG trouble!" cries the chauffer. "Come on! I'm the POPE! I'll tell them I made you! Besides, what could happen?" Finally, the driver relents, the Pope hops behind the wheel and off they go, flying down the Belt Parkway, heading to Manhattan. "She IS powerful!" exclaims the Pope, zigging in and out of traffic. "Yes, Your Holiness!" gulps the driver. Suddenly, the red lights of a police car start flashing right behind them, and the Pope pulls over. The officer comes to the drivers window, sees who is driving, goes back to his cruiser and gets on the radio. "Sarge! Sarge! I just pulled over a big VIP on the Belt for speeding!" "Yeah! Yeah!" says the sergeant, bored. "Who is it? The mayor?" "No, BIGGER!" reports the officer. "The governor?" asks the sergeant, more concerned. "No, BIGGER!" "Well, who the hell IS it?" snaps the sergeant. "I don't know!" replies the officer, but he's got the POPE driving for him!" 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Grumpy's Auto Shop Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 19 minutes ago, MochetVelo said: Well, it involves a car: When the Pope came to NYC a few months ago, he was picked up at JFK by a big, shiny Cadillac limo. "What a big luxurious car!" exclaimed the Pope "I'll bet it's very powerful, too!" "Oh, yes, Your Holiness!" said the driver. "You know, when I became Pope, we sold all of the fancy cars the Vatican had, and I now only have a simple Fiat and I don't even get to drive THAT anymore!" says The Pope "How about letting me drive this for a bit?" ""Oh no, Your Holiness! I'd get in BIG trouble!" cries the chauffer. "Come on! I'm the POPE! I'll tell them I made you! Besides, what could happen?" Finally, the driver relents, the Pope hops behind the wheel and off they go, flying down the Belt Parkway, heading to Manhattan. "She IS powerful!" exclaims the Pope, zigging in and out of traffic. "Yes, Your Holiness!" gulps the driver. Suddenly, the red lights of a police car start flashing right behind them, and the Pope pulls over. The officer comes to the drivers window, sees who is driving, goes back to his cruiser and gets on the radio. "Sarge! Sarge! I just pulled over a big VIP on the Belt for speeding!" "Yeah! Yeah!" says the sergeant, bored. "Who is it? The mayor?" "No, BIGGER!" reports the officer. "The governor?" asks the sergeant, more concerned. "No, BIGGER!" "Well, who the hell IS it?" snaps the sergeant. "I don't know!" replies the officer, but he's got the POPE driving for him!" FTW! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MCHinson Posted October 25, 2016 Share Posted October 25, 2016 Please remember that while most of the forum members are older men, there are women and children who view this site. There have been several jokes posted that were reported to the moderators. Since they were in violation of the forum rules they have been removed. Please keep it family friendly. Thank you. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CarlLaFong Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 17 hours ago, nick8086 said: No one will get it.. I have 3 more in that newsletter to post.. I get it 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
john2dameron Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 I haven't seen a real one for 20 years or more. What became of them? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
padgett Posted October 26, 2016 Share Posted October 26, 2016 Thought there were a couple of Darrin threads lately. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DLynskey Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 For a number of years I've noticed a man and his wife selling parts at their space at Hershey. This year I noticed the old gentlemen was by himself. I asked about his wife and he said she had passed away. "This is the first time in 44 years that I have been by myself at Hershey and it's really lonesome." he said. I told him he said he should have had a friend come with him. He replied "I tried to, but my friends were all going to the funeral". Don 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xander Wildeisen Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 (edited) 37 minutes ago, DLynskey said: For a number of years I've noticed a man and his wife selling parts at their space at Hershey. This year I noticed the old gentlemen was by himself. I asked about his wife and he said she had passed away. "This is the first time in 44 years that I have been by myself at Hershey and it's really lonesome." he said. I told him he said he should have had a friend come with him. He replied "I tried to, but my friends were all going to the funeral". Don That was a good one, best led up on a joke so far. Made me laugh out loud. Edited October 27, 2016 by Xander Wildeisen (see edit history) 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
padgett Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 From another forum: How many forum members does it take to change a lightbulb? 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed. 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs. 53 to flame the spell checkers. 41 to correct spelling/grammar flames. 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"...another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp". 15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct. 156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy". 109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group 203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped. 111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group. 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty. 27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs. 14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's. 3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group. 33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too". 12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy. 19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three". 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ. 44 to ask what is a "FAQ". 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?" 143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs". 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.... 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dictator27 Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 The man who owns a flivver may not have a quarrelsome disposition - but he is always trying to start something! Terry 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lump Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 When I was a teenager in the 1960's, my grandmother surprised me with a car joke one day. Here it is, as she told it back then: A car repair shop ran a help-wanted ad in the local paper. One candidate came in for an interview. They asked him all the usual questions, but the Service Manager wanted someone who REALLY knew cars. So he asked the young man to wear a blind fold. Then he had other mechanics start the engines of various cars in the shop, expecting the candidate to name each car by sound alone. First car, he answered "Chevrolet." (Correct). Next car, he said "Pontiac," (again correct). Next car, he said, "Studebaker," and was right again. Just then, someone came out of the nearby Men's Room, flushing the toilet on his way out. The job candidate hollered, "FORD!" so the service manager hired him on the spot! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joespoolhall Posted October 27, 2016 Share Posted October 27, 2016 A wealthy land owner stopped at gas station to fill up his truck. While waiting for the attendant to fill the tank he wanted to impress on him how much land he owned, so he said, I have a ranch just West of here and it takes me 3 days to drive from one end to the other. The attendant looked at him and said " I used to own a truck like that" ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plyroadking Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 My car is so old it's insured for: fire, theft, and Indian raids! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bill Stoneberg Posted October 28, 2016 Share Posted October 28, 2016 Got pulled over today for speeding. I turned the car off and put my hands on the wheel. Officer came up and asked if he had anything to worry about. "Yes, I have a pistol between my seats, a hatchet in the back seat and a dead body in the trunk." He backed off and called for backup. Soon I was out of the car and had cuffs put on me and shoved in the back of a patrol car. As the officers went through my car the head honcho cone over and start talking to me. Son, I thought you said you had a gun between your from seats, a hatchet in the back and a dead body in the trunk. We didn't find any such thing in your car. Yes officer and Ill bet the SOB told you I was speeding too.... 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
60FlatTop Posted October 29, 2016 Share Posted October 29, 2016 (edited) Bill's story reminds me of my Nephew, Donovan. He had a night job delivering pizzas. One night, south of town, at the intersection of a side road he saw a deer flailing in the road after it was hit by a car. He felt bad but continued on with his delivery. The deer was still there on his way back. He pulled over and got a hatchet out of his trunk. He hit the deer in the skull and killed it. But he was surprised at the way the blood sprayed all over. It made a real mess. So he walks back into the pizza shop carrying the bloody hatchet and blood all over the front of his clothes. Around the counter and back to the deep sink to clean up. The guys say "Hi, Don." without interruption of their work, just another day at the Pizza shop. Not a car joke, just a story we enjoyed. That's the Nephew who was at our house Christmas eve and started talking about canes with a sword inside. I said "Oh! I have one of those." I gave it to him and he said he was going to keep it under his car seat. My Brother was kind of distant for a couple of Christmases after that. Bernie Edited October 29, 2016 by 60FlatTop (see edit history) 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4Hud Posted October 30, 2016 Share Posted October 30, 2016 A rugged looking guy walks into the tavern wearing a set of booster cables around his neck, the doorman says to him "You can come in but don't you start anything." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest FreFord Posted October 30, 2016 Share Posted October 30, 2016 "I got this (type name of least favorite car here) for my wife. Best deal I ever made." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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