Engineer jokes

[Dave Mellor NJ]

These were posted on Fordbarn by James Rogers of Dreamworks garage. They crack me up.

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[TD=class: alt1]1. Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

2. To the optimist, the glass is half-full.

To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.

To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

3. A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

4. What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

5. The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

6. Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

7. Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting coefficient of friction. Interrupting coefficient of fri.... mmmuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (μ)

8. Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

9. An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

10. A wife asks her husband, a software engineer...

"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6!" A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had eggs."

__________________

http://www.model-a-ford-4bangers.com/

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[TD=class: thead] 06-05-2014, 06:54 AM[/TD]

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[Carsnz123]

hahaha gotta love em.

[auburnseeker]

Thanks for sharing. I'm going to pass it on to a few friends.

[trimacar]

I are an Engrineer, and I resemble those remarks.

When my granddaughter was 3 years old, her mother was trying to get her to turn to face her, for picture taking purposes. I said "Jillian, turn ninety degrees to your left..." My wife looked and me and said Really? Ninety degrees to a 3 year old?

THE DESIGNER

The designer bent across his board,

Wonderful things in his head were stored,

And he said as he rubbed his throbbing bean,

"How can I make this thing hard to machine?

If this part here were only straight,

I'm sure the thing would work first rate.

But would be so easy to turn and bore,

It never would make the machinist sore.

I better put in a right angle there,

Then watch those guys tear their hair.

And I'll put the holes that hold the cap,

Way down here where they're hard to tap.

Now this piece won't work, I'll bet a buck,

For it can't be held in a shoe or chuck,

It can't be drilled or it can't be ground,

In fact, the design is exceedingly sound.

He look again and cried, "At last!

Success is mine! It can't even be cast!"

[30DodgePanel]

Once upon a time there were three men: a doctor, a city planner, and an engineer. For some reason all three offended the king and were sentenced to die on the same day.

The day of the execution arrived, and the doctor was led up to the guillotine. As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner asked, "Head up or head down?"

"Head up," said the doctor.

"Blindfold or no blindfold?"

"No blindfold."

So the executioner raised the axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped barely an inch above the doctor's neck. Well, the law stated that if an execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the doctor was set free.

Then the city planner was led up to the guillotine.

"Head up or head down?" said the executioner.

"Head up."

"Blindfold or no blindfold?"

"No blindfold."

So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped an inch above the planner's neck. Well, the law stated that if the execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the planner was set free.

Finally the engineer was led up to the guillotine.

"Head up or head down?"

"Head up."

"Blindfold or no blindfold?"

"No blindfold."

So the executioner raised his axe, but before he could cut the rope, the engineer yelled out:

"WAIT! I see what the problem is!"

[Restorer32]

I could comment on the frustrations of doing restoration work for engineers but

I will only say this: Ever try to get all the combustion chamber volumes to match within .25 cc on a pair of early 12 cylinder heads?

[Kimo]

How can you tell if an engineer is an introvert or an extrovert?

The extrovert stares at your shoes when he is talking to you.

Edited June 9, 2014 by Kimo (see edit history)

[Jim Bollman]

Please stop talking about me.

[Bill Harmatuk]

Engineers drive trains, don't they??

Bill H

[LI_BENTLEY]

Always wanted to be an engineer, then I could blow the whistle.

[Guest bkazmer]

. I said "Jillian, turn ninety degrees to your left..." My wife looked and me and said Really? Ninety degrees to a 3 year old?

After she turns six you can say "turn pi/2"

[60FlatTop]

Stationary Engineer since 1971. Only a picture does it justice:

I taught the kids about 1/4 PI (.7854) and no one got calculus.

Bernie

Edited June 9, 2014 by 60FlatTop (see edit history)

[Bleach]

.5236 is even better.

[60FlatTop]

Although 1/6 PI might be better loading buckshot, figuring the stress on a tube sheet is a whole lot easier with 1/4 PI. So this guy parachuted out of an airplane and his chute didn't open. He is panicing and suddenly notices a guy below him who looks like he is getting closer. Then he sees the guy is appraoching at the same speed he is falling. When they get close he hollers over "Do you not anything about parachutes?" Just as they pass the ascending guy yells "Nope, and I guess I know less about boilers than I thought I did!"

And that's why .7854 is more important than .5236.

Picard? That was the staff meeting when the two engineers argued whether anal-retentive is hyphenated. Look close, you gotta be a nerd to associate this picture:

Bernie

[Guest AlCapone]

After reading most of the above I am glad I chose law ( lol )! Wayne