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OLD CAR JOKES NEEDED!


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Greetings fellow old car nuts.  I have been asked to MC a stop on an old car tour, and announce the cars as they arrive. There will be some dead time between cars that I would like to fill, and perhaps add some to levity to the introductions. This tour is for brass era cars only, but I can adapt newer material as needed.  

 

So I need a bunch of jokes that I can adapt to the situation. I'll take everything I can get, from the clever to the absurd into my repertoire, as long as it is clean.  So let's hear them folks! 

 

Thanks, Joel

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I don’t know if anyone has scanned and made available any of the early Ford joke books, but many were made…

 

Did you know that next year all the Ford cars are to be red? Yes, it’s because of the new law that states “any tin can holding gasoline is to be painted red”

 

A Ford is like a bathtub, everyone has one but you don’t like being caught in it…

 

Literally hundreds like these all of which are dated and many off color by today’s standards. 

 

 

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Back in the day, two lawyers were in court with a particularly nasty case.

 

After it was over, one lawyer turned to the other and said “How dare you act like that in court.  Where’s your ethics?”

 

”Parked out by your Hudthon” the other lawyer replied……

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I heard the new (insert manufacturer here) cars are so unreliable that the last six pages of the owners manual are bus tickets!

I heard that if you buy a new (insert manufacturer here), they give you a free puppy. That way you won't be lonely when walking home!

I heard that the best accessory to buy with a (insert manufacturer here) is a sturdy pair of walking shoes!

When you pull into a filling station with a (insert manufacturer here) you typically ask the attendant to check the gas and fill the oil!

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My late grandmother told me one when I was a kid...over 50 years ago: 

 

A guy walks into an auto repair shop, and asks for employment. The wise old wrench-turner who owned the shop grinned and said, "Well, I could use a really EXPERIENCED car man, but I don't need no rookies. I've got a test to give you to see if you're what I need." The applicant agreed, and to his surprise, the boss tied a blindfold over his head. Then hollered to a helper, "Hey Joe. Start up that red sedan over there." He did, and then the boss said, "Ok, son. Now from the sound alone, what kind of car was that?" The blindfolded guy immediately said, "Chrysler product!" The boss was impressed, but pointed silently at a grey pickup truck around the corner and out of sight. When it started, the young guy said, "International truck!" Now the boss was getting really impressed. Just then someone happened to flush a nearby toilet. The kid shouted, "FORD!" He was hired on the spot! 

 

Grandma said she heard that decades before, so this must have been another one of those jokes poking fun at the ubiquitous Model T.  

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I was told that legendary car designer Harley Earl designed the hairdo of our past Prez.  Thought about it and there just may be credence to this claim.  I do not know if Harley had a hand in the design of the 1959 Chevrolet Impala however, there sure is a resemblance if you look at the car from a 3/4 angle view from the back.

Edited by Peter J.Heizmann (see edit history)
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13 hours ago, lump said:

"Ok, son. Now from the sound alone, what kind of car was that?"

 

That joke must date from the 1910's, though

your version has been modified after many retellings.

Here is an original version from the book Funabout Fords

or More Funabout Fords, by J. J. White, published at the

height of the Model T's popularity in 1915 by the Howell

Company, Chicago.  The books are in the AACA Library,

and I reprinted the joke when preparing a newsletter for

the 2007 Glidden Tour:

 

     In a large garage a man wagered with the owner that he

could name any machine merely by the sound of the engine.

An attendant was instructed to crank the different machines,

the boastful one was blindfolded, and the test began.

     "Overland," he called for the first one.

     "Correct," said the owner;  "try the next one."

     "Studebaker."

     "Right-o!  Crank another."

     Just then a load of coal was shot into the alley from a wagon.

     "Ford," said the guesser.

 

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A exhausted guy is riding his bike in the blazing of a desert.  A gent driving a Jaguar pulls over.  Feeling sorry for the bike rider he says “I don’t have enough room for the bike but I could tow you to the next town.  Just honk your bike horn if I am going to fast”.

 

They leave and after a bit a Corvette pulls along side and they start racing.  They are flying down the highway and pass a cop using radar who calls ahead to the chase car “Charlie, you are not going to believe this but in a minute a Corvette and a Jag will come by over 100 mph with a guy on a bike honking to pass”.

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3 hours ago, Peter J.Heizmann said:

A exhausted guy is riding his bike in the blazing of a desert.  A gent driving a Jaguar pulls over.  Feeling sorry for the bike rider he says “I don’t have enough room for the bike but I could tow you to the next town.  Just honk your bike horn if I am going to fast”.

 

They leave and after a bit a Corvette pulls along side and they start racing.  They are flying down the highway and pass a cop using radar who calls ahead to the chase car “Charlie, you are not going to believe this but in a minute a Corvette and a Jag will come by over 100 mph with a guy on a bike honking to pass”.

 

An oldie but goodie.

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5 hours ago, Peter J.Heizmann said:

A exhausted guy is riding his bike in the blazing of a desert.  A gent driving a Jaguar pulls over.  Feeling sorry for the bike rider he says “I don’t have enough room for the bike but I could tow you to the next town.  Just honk your bike horn if I am going to fast”.

 

They leave and after a bit a Corvette pulls along side and they start racing.  They are flying down the highway and pass a cop using radar who calls ahead to the chase car “Charlie, you are not going to believe this but in a minute a Corvette and a Jag will come by over 100 mph with a guy on a bike honking to pass”.

 

Oldie but goodie,

Previously told on tour with a Cadillac towing a Model-A,

 

thanx

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The event was today, it went wonderfully. I used a lot of your jokes, and modified them to fit as needed. Thanks very much for all of your help! I drove my Maytag to the event and wore my old timey looking suit. It was a lot of fun. The event is the New London to New Brighton old car run, which is a tribute to the London to Brighton run except it is here in Minnesota.

PXL_20210814_191307885.jpg

Edited by Hemi Joel (see edit history)
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Fantastic! And a Maytag! Do not see many of those! I think I saw one once, a very long time ago. I didn't at that time appreciate how rare they are.

 

I know several people through the internet and club forums that do the NLNB Run. I am waiting (more or less patiently?) to see some tour reports and photos. However, can you tell me how many model K Fords made it this year? And who won the marque participation (unofficial award I think?) this year? Maxwell or Ford?  I know people on both sides of that one.

Did you drive the Maytag ON the Run? Or was the Maytag repairman left officiating?

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Wayne, I did not drive my Maytag on the tour, I just drove it from my home to the lunch stop at Buffalo. The Wright county car club, of which I am a member, hosts the Buffalo stop. Since we were located at the lunch stop in Buffalo, I do not know what the final results are. I'm sure those would have been reported at the end of the run in New Brighton.

There was two model k Fords, three model s's, and if I recall correctly a 1903 and a 1904. I think there were eight Fords in total. There were 12 Maxwell's entered, I'm not sure how many made it to Buffalo but perhaps all of them.

Edited by Hemi Joel (see edit history)
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Joel, 

I know one model K that was headed up there, no reason to believe he wouldn't have made it. Another one of the model Ks moved up to Canada a few years back, and he probably couldn't attend due to continuing border restrictions. There are four model Ks in tourable condition on this continent (and about twenty that are not together or sorted out for driving!). So I will have to see pictures or reports to find out which one made it? A couple years ago, all four running and drivable model Ks made it to the OCF!

 

Thank you for the updates!

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On 8/16/2021 at 10:41 AM, 60FlatTop said:

No license plate and it says May tag?

 

 

FlatTop, are you asking where to put the clothes in? 😉

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11 hours ago, Hemi Joel said:

 

 

FlatTop, are you asking where to put the clothes in? 😉

 

Ummm. In many states a license plate is referred to as a tag. In the picture your car shows no front license plate or "tag". It may not be licensed. If, in the future, you plan to license it one might say that you "May tag" it.

 

Playing in Minnesota, huh. You know, a lot of those Danes and Swedes passed through my town on the Erie Canal heading out that way. Including my wife's family who got off the boat near here. So you're gonna tell 'en jokes. Got a big smile outta me.

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Well there is the classic model T joke of a man who was completely feed up with his Model T and posted an ad in the local paper that he was going to give it away and posted the date,time and intersection were it will be left to the first person to get there.

.

The day came and when he went to drop off his flivver at the designated spot ,there were 6 cars already there!

Edited by Flivverking (see edit history)
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At Thanksgiving dinner on a farm in Minnesota an old man told a story about a perfect Model T another old man had stored away in his barn. A man from the Ford company was sent to his house and offered him a brand new Ford in exchange for his well cared for treasure. He turned the offer down flat.

 

At Christmas dinner on a farm in Minnesota.....

 

At Thanksgiving dinner on a farm in Iowa.......

 

At Christmas dinner.....

 

At Thanksgiv

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