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ALL NEW Oil Change Instructions

Peter Gariepy

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Oil change Instructions For Women:

1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. Five minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent :

Oil Change $20.00

Coffee $1.00

Total $21.00

Oil Change Instructions For Men :

1. Go to auto parts store and pay $50 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner , and scented tree.

2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in the back yard.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack up car. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.

12. Clean up mess.

13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14. Look for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; poke oil filter with screw driver and twist off.

16. Beer.

17. Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20. Beer? No drank it all yesturday.

21. Walk to beer store; buy beer.

22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23. Dump first litre of fresh oil into engine.

24. Remember drain plug from step 11?

25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26. Discover that the drain pleug is buried in a hole in the back yard along with used oil.

27. Drink Beer.

28. Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.

29. Discover that the first litre of fresh oil is now on the floor.

30. Drink Beer.

31. Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckeles on frame.

32. Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.

33. Begin cussing fit.

34. Throw wrench.

35. Cuss for an additional 10 minutes because the wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.

36. Beer.

37. Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop the blood flow.

38. Beer.

39. Beer.

40. Dump in five fresh liters of oil.

41. Beer.

42. Lower car from jack stands.

43. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.

44. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.

45. Beer.

46. Test drive car.

47. Get pulled over, and arrested for driving under the influence.

48. Car gets impounded.

49. Make bail.

50. Get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $50.00

DUI $2500.00

Impound Fee $75.00

Bail $ 1500.00

Beer $60.00


But you know the job was done right!

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Peterg,What do you think it is going to cost you ,when that nosy neighbor that doesn't appreciate you being a CAR GUY,has the local environmental police over to check out the RAT HOLE you and i have been dumping oil down for years.Just a thought tongue.gif dizzydale

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Like i said, i religiously follow the womans instructions. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/icons/smile.gif" alt="" />

No rat hole in my yard (thank god). Hope there isn't one is yours either. <img src="/ubbthreads/images/icons/ooo.gif" alt="" /> (for your kids sake)


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Where in the "cost estimate" is an allowance for a Britney Spears Dance Video...I mean..c'mon...you guys...we are OLD CAR BUFFS...let's keep our priorities in order....

Pete Hartmann

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